you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
