I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
