oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
