Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
