The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
