Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
