Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
