what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
