you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
