i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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