Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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