Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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