I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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