I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
