I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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