im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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