the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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