So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
