Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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