I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
