I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
