I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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