Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
