Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
