tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
