The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
