There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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