exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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