You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
