dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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