hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
