Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
