is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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