are you still at the devil's house?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
