Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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