Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
