eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
