Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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