My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
