There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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