the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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