im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
