nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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