in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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