i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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