Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
