my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
