how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
