We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
