Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
