so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
