im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
