I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
