id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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