someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
