I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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