I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
