haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
