She tied me up with her honor cords...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
