I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
