i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I have so many feelings about this burrito
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
