I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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