This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
