why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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