I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
a search helicopter?!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
