I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
