The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
