every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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