Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
