Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
