So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
