My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
