My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
